Saturday, 13 November 2010

Fictional repercussion of laser shooting added to modern pentathlon around the world

Some fake quotes/statements and fake yellow journalism headlines about the laser pistol in modern pentathlon:

Non-Olympic Sports Association: "See this confusion? This sport is already too complicated to understand, has no audience and no appeal. A waste of space. Replace it by one of ours".

Anonymous Monegasque citizen: "What's modern pentathlon?"

Jacqueline Roger, world sport leader: "Who cares about modern pentathlon? I couldn't care less".

Modern Pentathlon Haters Association: "Touché on you that are not good in any sport. Your epée is broken. You drowned. Your horse refused to jump, you fell and got a recoil. Then you can't run to save your life and your gun choked. Fail! If shooting doesn't have laser pistol, why the hell are you going to have it? To look even more excentric? Our motto is: we love hating this freak sport. MP sux big time".

Modern Pentathlon Fans Association: "Don't listen the haters. They just don't know what they are talking about and are arrogant. We don't have a statement yet. You know, we have too many political currents here., we are a big association. There are the old school, the contemporary and the futurists. Only the last are supporting the decision".

Greek Minister of Low-Profile Sports: "Are you kidding me? Who's going to pay for this?".

Silvio Il Godfather, Italian prime-minister and bon-vivant: "I'd like to congratulate UIPM directors and invite them to a private sexy party to celebrate the win by smashing the opponents. I love using my pistols, by the way. Both of them, if you understand me. Let's get laid? I love it, just like I love being a millionaire and a powerful politician".

Nikolas Bruni, French president: "So people don't like air pistol? Let's ban them from France then, like we are doing to the romas".

Jean-Marie Le Pencil, French nationalist politician: "I've heard UIPM doesn't like to lose. Let me say Toulouse is a nice city (do not confuse with the city of Nice). I just don't like the foreigners in there".

David Kamera and Angela Marketel, British and German prime-ministers, in a duet: "UIPM needs to reduce their budget and let the market ruling the sport. If the laser pistol brings more investiments, then there's no reason to oppose to the decision".

Baron Pier de Cobertinni (deceased), aristocrat and educator: for obviuos reasons, he couldn't be contacted. There's a report, though, that someone heard him turning on his grave last week.

Vaclav Klaustrophylibek, Czech president: "This talk about environment, global warming, disarmament, European Union, it's all bullshit. They even want to make the actual bullshit a villain in this global warming talk, can you believe? I don't. Damn hippies!".

Wlad Drakuleev Kurvo Rasputin, former KGB agent and former president of Russia: "I think the missile shields in Eastern Europe should use the laser technology, however I also think we should retaliate our neighbours by cutting the laser supply. My companies will build new laser pipelines through Escandinavia and Turkey".

National Rifle/Fire-Guns Association and Tea&Coffee Party Journal (USA): "Laser shooting is for sissies. UIPM is dominated by non-Caucasian, non-Christian, non-heterossexual and Socialist people. Bring back the real guns, they are smoking hot".

Propaganda News (North Korea): "And the modern pentathlon revolution is alive and going on, thanks to the great leader commanding".

Hugo Keys, Venezuelan president: "I'll wait for the opposition telling if they think it's good or not so I can say if it's revolutionary or reactionary".

TierraMirando, opposition media group to Hugo Keys: "We are going to wait for the president's opinion to say if it's democratic or dictatorial. Oh, wait, the laser shooting was defeated in an election? We like to support those who lose in democratic elections. So we agree with laser shooting and people will have to live with that because we are saying that's democracy".

Hugo Keys, again, after TierraMirando statement: "laser shooting is the worst face of imperialism, a danger to our Bolivarian revolution. I'm strongly against it".

Yanti Shalom, Israeli militar and political leader: "We encourage Palestinians using laser pistols. We will keep our conventional arsenal of weapons though".

Hits Ball Lalah, Palestinian guerilla based in Lebanon: "Laser pistol won't bring peace as long as other claims are not attended".

George Drunk Bush, former president of a country outside Middle East: "There were evidences of big oil reserves, I mean, laser pistol stocks in the country we decide to invade".

Weird Nature Science (international scientific magazine): "Scandal! Scientific fraud in evolutionary modern pentathlon report previously published".

Weed-nesday Amsterdam News (Dutch high weekly newspaper): "Greenpeace bribed UIPM in order to approve the laser shooting, because...hmmm...I forgot what I was going to say...and the paper is burnt now...hahaha...I'm hungry".

Klerik News (somewhere inside Italy): "We condemn anyone who makes an abortion, it doesn't matter if it's about people or decisions; in the other hand, we appreciate kids and teenagers playing sports and developing athletic and healthy bodies together with brainwashed minds. So we are not going to investigate".

Dean, Mark Prezz (Danish newspaper): "There's something rotten and it's not here in Denmark. By the way, we held great Congresses here in the last months".

Marques News (Portuguese Socialist newspaper): "Marx once wrote: all that is solid melts into air. It looks like he didn't foresee the laser shooting, but he didn't have to, since he's not Isaac Newton, he was a social scientist".

Sheikh Royal Study Group and Dramatic School of Shakespeare (Saudi Arabia): "This situation is more like Beckett or Kafka than Shakespeare, but we can give some quotes: 'To be or not to be? That's the question' and 'There's more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy'".

Gay Wright (civil rights ativist): "We support laser pistols coming out of the closet".

Boris Bela Karloff Lugosi Nosferatu Omniscientskyy, former Soviet pentathlete, former fair play ambassador, current persona non grata, after Gay Wright's estatement: "I don't have skeletons neither laser pistols in my cupboard. Sounds interesting this stuff of laser pistol. I think it will become a hit in next summer. I'm pretty sure I can make it a hit if I want. If the international federation allow me back, I can help them, but it's ironic they don't look touched by my claims".

Wall Street Sidewalk Journal (USA): "IQ Shooting shares increase 202% in one day".

Rick Bogart, American exiled in Morocco: "I think it's the beginning of a beautiful friendship between UIPM and IQ Shooting".

Joseph Sierra, right-wing Brazilian political leader, defeated in recent presidential elections: "I don't like changes. I'm conservative. I used to be a leftist but now I'm loyal to my new allies. By the way there were too many changes in the last centuries, we should restore some stuff. Although I don't want pentathlon to be like in Ancient Greece, because they were not Christians and used to play naked, right? Just should be like almost a century ago".

Louis Squid Silver, current Brazilian president: "Brazilian modern pentathlon is improving, while it's a bit decadent worldwide because of the crisis. Of course our success is all my 'fault', since the country was ruined eight years ago. I don't have a particular opinion on this issue, if it's good for the sport, I'll agree, but if it's bad I'll disagree. Let's see".

Claudius Schoranthropos, sports manager: "Yes, we can. Deal with it".

Changing Pentathlon International Union monthly newsletter: "Everything went very well in last Congress, a great success as always!".

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